My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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