my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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