My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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