i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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