i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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