Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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