So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
