I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
