i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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