Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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