just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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