woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
