I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
