i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
