September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize