i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
