God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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