Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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