did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
