you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
