I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
