I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
