Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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