I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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