Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
