the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize