I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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