Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
