im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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