I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize