non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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