someone threw a dead crab at me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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