The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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