my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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