i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
