Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
