I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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