Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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