Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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