so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
