If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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