The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
