I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
