Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
