cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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