I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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