Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
