taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
