Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
