So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
