I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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