also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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