I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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