people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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