he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize