your room smells of hookers.
And success
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
