if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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