I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
