I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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