love makes seman taste better
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
