The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
