im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
