My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
