Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
