Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
