Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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